GUIDE TO BUILDING A HAPPY AND LONG LASTING MARRIAGE

The rate at which marriages collapse these days is very alarming and pathetic.
My experience in handling several divorce cases in the court has made me wonder
on what will become of our marriages and families in the near future, if no drastic
step is taken to curb this social melee.
In one of my articles in a Local Newspaper, i blindly, if not foolishly suggested
that the Matrimonial Causes Rules and the Marriage Act be amended to include a
provision that no petition for divorce should be entertained unless the petitioner
proves to the satisfaction of the court that the marriage sought to be dissolved is
not less than 3o years old. As outrageous as this suggestion may be, at least, it
will curb the rate at which various marriages are dissolved, thus, giving some
form of "home security" to the children of the marriage. We should not forget in a
hurry that broken marriages always have very bad/negative psychological effects
on the children of the marriage.
In my own little, if not insignificant or negligible contribution towards curbing the
high rate of divorce in Nigeria, I feel this little piece may be useful to some people,
whether married, about to marry, courting, dating, in a relationship or friendship,
provided you will get married one day.
I would like to start by quoting Mr. Robert Quillen in one of his numerous books
on marriage. He said "A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers. Where the
couple are not forgivers, the chances of success of the marriage will be very
slim".
As I have hinted earlier in this write up, in this age, marriage is no longer as
wonderful as it used to be or should be. Divorce is now becoming a trend and no
one wants to endure with the man/woman of their youth. At the slightest
appearance of difficulty and misunderstanding, they want to give up. People are
now quick to forget the vow they made to their partner on their wedding day.
I try sometimes not to make my writings sound religious or spiritual, and i do
hope I will try well enough in this write up. Well enough, talking about marriage, i
believe no matter your religious inclination, everyone wants to have a wonderful
and great marriage and no religion preaches intolerance in marriage. The most
common concept all religions of the world preaches in marriage is submission,
and the lack of submission is one of the major problems a lot of marriages face in
this times. Be not confused when i say submission, the context in which
submission is used here is not in relation to women alone, a man also needs to
submit to his wife and i do not mean becoming complacent and accepting folly
from your wife. We shall consider what makes a marriage great using the
acronym, "GREAT", meaning the following:
G---Giving
R---Relating
E---Edifying
A---Allowing
T---Touching
Giving:
You don't stop giving after you have married that partner of your dream, even if
the partner is not as exact you have dreamt. Often times what we want is not
what we need. A lot of marriages go through very rough times not because the
man is no longer able to provide for his family, but because most men quit giving
to their wives. Most times its not because the man is doing this on purpose, but
because a lot of men are so busy making money to provide for their family that
they forget give time, gifts, love, heart, thought, trust, and self to their wife.
In a marriage where there is continual giving, is one where there is selflessness.
When you think less of yourself and you think more of your partner before you
think of yourself, your continual desire will be to give to your partner. A woman,
no matter how bad you may think she is, will always appreciate the time and
attention you give to her more than the expensive gifts you buy for her. Though
you should be buying her the gifts sometimes, but you must know that your time
and attention is the best gift you can give to your woman. When your attitude of
giving continues after getting married, it becomes easy to give to others.
Relating:
Relating means, "one person connecting with another in thought and meaning",
and by relating here, we also mean communicating. Show me a bad marriage and
i will show you a marriage with poor relation and devoid of communication. The
sole purpose of marriage is to have someone to relate with, a best friend to share
your desires, your emotions and fears, etc. Most men do go "macho" about
communicating their fears to their partners, they keep these feelings inside of
them and it manifests in such attitude as anger.
A proper and effective relationship or communication can only happen when you
have studied your partner well enough to know what works for him or her. Some
like to keep to themselves when they are down, but that doesn't necessarily mean
they want to be left alone. The attention you pay to your partner when he or she
is down and is feeling alone will manifest in a stronger love when he/she start
feeling better.
Edifying:
To edify means to build up. The opposite of edifying is to break down. When you
are not edifying, then you are breaking down. Yes, there is a middle ground on the
matter of edifying. See your marriage as a newly built house or a well graded and
tarred road. After a while, it starts to wear out from constant use and when you
don't build it up, it collapses all together and becomes completely unusable. Same
thing applies to our lives, when we go through life, the very many situations we
face wear us out and break us down and it is the constant encouragement and
building up we receive from our loved ones especially our partners that helps us
to regain strength and confidence. The worst thing that can happen to a marriage
is when both spouse run each other with nasty words at the slightest appearance
of misunderstanding.
Also, a marriage where the man and wife don't relate with each other effectively,
will lack edification. You can not do proper edifying without communicating with
your mouth, and other physical gestures. Yes, you love your wife, but acting out
your love is not enough, acting out your appreciation is not enough, voice it. After
all, when you receive a pay rise in the office, you don't just say thank you by
giving your boss a very warm look every morning, but by voicing out your
appreciation. Learn to talk the talk, if you really feel it you should voice it.
Allowing:
A lot of men place so much unreasonable restrictions on their partners. Often
times, these restrictions are triggered more by insecurity on the part of the
husband than true guidance. This insecurity crops up because the man feels the
woman is becoming as relevant as he is in career or that the woman is climbing
faster in her career or perhaps making more money than he is making. Truth is, if
you are truly adding value to your partner, whatever good comes to her comes to
you as well because she would always know and never forget to attribute her
growth to you as her husband. But when you constantly go into competition with
your wife, then you will start feeling threatened when she's growing and she
knowing that you are not being supportive will act out in her defiance to you at
the slightest entrance of power and position in her hands. But the truth must be
told here. Some women are so bad that when they are earning more than their
husbands, they would want to be the ones at the commanding position and
expect their husbands to be the followers. If a woman is placed in better position
than their husbands, they should still be submissive to their husbands and accord
them their due respect in the house. Husbands should also learn to support their
wives. She is yours and yours alone, no matter what a woman owns or how much
money she makes, she remains your wife and that includes all that she owns. As
a good and understanding husband, you should give your wife allowance to grow
and encourage her as well. You should do this with the mind that whatever comes
out of her doing well comes to you also as long as she bears your name.
Touching:
A lot of men are guilty of this crime. Well, i called it a crime because it is
important and so many don't do it. Men should never forget that women like to
be touched. Please, in this context, i don't necessarily mean the kind of touching
that leads to the bedroom, although it may be sometimes. But the kind of
touching referred to herein is the touching that brings reassurance of love; that
warm hug that says, "i miss you", holding hands when you walk on the road,
placing your hands around her waist while you take a walk together. Let me ask
you this, "How many times did you see your father communicate love to your
mother through loving gestures"? More than half of you readers will answer "No"
and that is the very reason why you find it difficult expressing your love in that
manner as well. Learn to express your love through touch, even that will
communicate something healthy to your children. When the children knows that
mum and dad love each other, they would feel secured, happy and grow into
confident, loving and lovable individuals.
Are you already married, about to get married, or not close to getting married?
Whichever category you fall into provided you will get married one day, you should
start to develop this "GREAT" attitude. I assure you, you will see how well your
marriage turns out great. Hope this was a great reading for you. Remember to
share with your friends and loved ones on facebook. Start practicing what you
have just read and you will be glad you deed. I love you all.
Till we meet again, I remain yours sincerely.